[ May/June 2001 ]
Love After Betrayal
by Jackie Garretson
We always come back to ourselves,
which is where we must find what we
need to be safe and happy before we
can share love with anyone.
When we love or care deeply about something -- even if it is something as unromantic as a job -- we have opened the door to betrayal. Is love hazardous to your health? Relationships are seldom easy and they do not provide a promise of safety, no matter what we imagine in the joyful early stages. In spite of my own bruises and those I have experienced with many of my clients over the years, I remain a romantic at heart. Loving forces us to stretch and grow, hurt and heal in a way that no other experience provides.
There is no deeper fulfillment than love; and, therefore, betrayal can drop us to our knees and make us believe that we will never trust again. Unfortunately, many people react by trying to shield themselves in ultimately destructive ways by withholding intimacy, manipulating partners, and testing everyone they meet. This only insures another miserable relationship.
Any one of us can experience betrayal outside our personal relationships. You may be the devoted worker who is fired by an employer, the friend who discovers hurtful gossip, the student humiliated by a teacher, or the citizen whose government or legal system has let him down. No one is immune. Whether we have been hurt in our family relationships, our marriage, our business or our friendships, we can emerge from the pain with greater self-worth, reclaim our lives, and learn to love and trust again.
Trust is built in stages. We start out trusting provisionally. Over time, if our experiences and instincts allow it, we may begin to trust unconditionally. We are likely to trust someone who meets our deepest emotional needs. If there is a sexual relationship, the bond may become very deep. We feel safe and therefore allow ourselves to become vulnerable. If we discover suddenly that what we thought was true is not true (for example, that someone was dependable when he or she proves not to be) we experience emotional chaos. Trust is often the most difficult element to recover.
We may feel betrayed when an "unspoken contract" is broken. An example is the divulging of personal confidences or negative gossip. Sexual, physical or emotional abuse are also betrayals because we have the unspoken belief that our partner will keep us safe in all ways. We assume that we won't be misled or deceived; therefore, if someone keeps important information from us because it might be upsetting, it feels like betrayal. If your partner withholds his or her true feelings about things such as having children, for example, it is a betrayal. Likewise, we feel betrayed when we discover that we are not loved for who we really are.
Reactions to betrayal are similar to reactions to death. These reactions might include shock and denial, shame and self-blame, hostility, anger, vengeance, jealousy, or seeking refuge in judgments and interpretations. There are no wrong reactions in this grieving process, but some people get stuck. Getting stuck in hate may allow you to avoid feeling pain. Anger becomes armor. (Depression, which is a loss of feeling and death of spirit, is not the same as hurt.)
If you are hanging on to one of these reactions long after the betrayal and seem to be obsessing about it, you are stuck in the grief process and may need help to begin healing. Getting unstuck allows you to explore your inner experience and discover the cause of your reactions. Usually these are things like unrealistic expectations, romantic fantasies, fear of failing, and fear of being alone. It is unrealistic to think that a relationship doesn't require a lifetime of work. It is a romantic fantasy that lovers can intuit all of our needs.
So, you have been betrayed, felt that your life has fallen apart, and decided to use this devastating experience to increase your self-worth, reclaim your life, and learn to love and trust again. Begin by admitting and accepting that you are alone in life. Finding the perfect lover, companion or provider only happens in fairy tales. We always come back to ourselves, which is where we must find what we need to be safe and happy before we can share love with anyone. What are you doing to distract yourself from pain? Stop it now and embrace solitude. Learn to be intimate with yourself. A book or lecture may help you with this difficult process. Meditation, prolonged self-examination, and the expression of creativity all help. Being alone while pursuing a hobby may not qualify as solitude. The popular musician Sting said that his best writing was born of pain. Creativity can teach us about ourselves and re-engage us with life.
There are three more tasks ahead of you. Develop a support system that is independent of any future primary love relationship. Some of you will already have this in place and others will have to plan and develop it for the first time. One of the criteria for a healthy relationship is that both of you can live without it. Your relationship cannot be all that sustains you.
Next, examine any possible role that you played in the betrayal. This deepens your understanding of yourself and helps insure that you won't repeat your mistakes. For example, how do you deal with obstacles? You may have to explore childhood experiences that have conditioned you to behave in ways that prevent you from getting your adult needs met. Counselors are trained to help with this task.
Finally, commit to improving communication and dialogue in all your relationships. This is skill building. Whether you are a man or a woman, it is irresponsible to assume that if you are not good at communication, others will make allowances. It is your responsibility to know yourself, your feelings, your desires, your needs, and be able to communicate them. We are all capable of increasing our emotional intelligence and our ability to communicate it.
Painful experiences help us learn about ourselves. Accountability for our choices is part of this growing wisdom. If you are in the process of self-discovery, your best relationships are yet to come. Choose them wisely and trust again.
Love After Betrayal
by Jackie Garretson
We always come back to ourselves,
which is where we must find what we
need to be safe and happy before we
can share love with anyone.
When we love or care deeply about something -- even if it is something as unromantic as a job -- we have opened the door to betrayal. Is love hazardous to your health? Relationships are seldom easy and they do not provide a promise of safety, no matter what we imagine in the joyful early stages. In spite of my own bruises and those I have experienced with many of my clients over the years, I remain a romantic at heart. Loving forces us to stretch and grow, hurt and heal in a way that no other experience provides.
There is no deeper fulfillment than love; and, therefore, betrayal can drop us to our knees and make us believe that we will never trust again. Unfortunately, many people react by trying to shield themselves in ultimately destructive ways by withholding intimacy, manipulating partners, and testing everyone they meet. This only insures another miserable relationship.
Any one of us can experience betrayal outside our personal relationships. You may be the devoted worker who is fired by an employer, the friend who discovers hurtful gossip, the student humiliated by a teacher, or the citizen whose government or legal system has let him down. No one is immune. Whether we have been hurt in our family relationships, our marriage, our business or our friendships, we can emerge from the pain with greater self-worth, reclaim our lives, and learn to love and trust again.
Trust is built in stages. We start out trusting provisionally. Over time, if our experiences and instincts allow it, we may begin to trust unconditionally. We are likely to trust someone who meets our deepest emotional needs. If there is a sexual relationship, the bond may become very deep. We feel safe and therefore allow ourselves to become vulnerable. If we discover suddenly that what we thought was true is not true (for example, that someone was dependable when he or she proves not to be) we experience emotional chaos. Trust is often the most difficult element to recover.
We may feel betrayed when an "unspoken contract" is broken. An example is the divulging of personal confidences or negative gossip. Sexual, physical or emotional abuse are also betrayals because we have the unspoken belief that our partner will keep us safe in all ways. We assume that we won't be misled or deceived; therefore, if someone keeps important information from us because it might be upsetting, it feels like betrayal. If your partner withholds his or her true feelings about things such as having children, for example, it is a betrayal. Likewise, we feel betrayed when we discover that we are not loved for who we really are.
Reactions to betrayal are similar to reactions to death. These reactions might include shock and denial, shame and self-blame, hostility, anger, vengeance, jealousy, or seeking refuge in judgments and interpretations. There are no wrong reactions in this grieving process, but some people get stuck. Getting stuck in hate may allow you to avoid feeling pain. Anger becomes armor. (Depression, which is a loss of feeling and death of spirit, is not the same as hurt.)
If you are hanging on to one of these reactions long after the betrayal and seem to be obsessing about it, you are stuck in the grief process and may need help to begin healing. Getting unstuck allows you to explore your inner experience and discover the cause of your reactions. Usually these are things like unrealistic expectations, romantic fantasies, fear of failing, and fear of being alone. It is unrealistic to think that a relationship doesn't require a lifetime of work. It is a romantic fantasy that lovers can intuit all of our needs.
So, you have been betrayed, felt that your life has fallen apart, and decided to use this devastating experience to increase your self-worth, reclaim your life, and learn to love and trust again. Begin by admitting and accepting that you are alone in life. Finding the perfect lover, companion or provider only happens in fairy tales. We always come back to ourselves, which is where we must find what we need to be safe and happy before we can share love with anyone. What are you doing to distract yourself from pain? Stop it now and embrace solitude. Learn to be intimate with yourself. A book or lecture may help you with this difficult process. Meditation, prolonged self-examination, and the expression of creativity all help. Being alone while pursuing a hobby may not qualify as solitude. The popular musician Sting said that his best writing was born of pain. Creativity can teach us about ourselves and re-engage us with life.
There are three more tasks ahead of you. Develop a support system that is independent of any future primary love relationship. Some of you will already have this in place and others will have to plan and develop it for the first time. One of the criteria for a healthy relationship is that both of you can live without it. Your relationship cannot be all that sustains you.
Next, examine any possible role that you played in the betrayal. This deepens your understanding of yourself and helps insure that you won't repeat your mistakes. For example, how do you deal with obstacles? You may have to explore childhood experiences that have conditioned you to behave in ways that prevent you from getting your adult needs met. Counselors are trained to help with this task.
Finally, commit to improving communication and dialogue in all your relationships. This is skill building. Whether you are a man or a woman, it is irresponsible to assume that if you are not good at communication, others will make allowances. It is your responsibility to know yourself, your feelings, your desires, your needs, and be able to communicate them. We are all capable of increasing our emotional intelligence and our ability to communicate it.
Painful experiences help us learn about ourselves. Accountability for our choices is part of this growing wisdom. If you are in the process of self-discovery, your best relationships are yet to come. Choose them wisely and trust again.
how can you be faithful while the one you love goin out with your friend
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